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Church of the Holy Penis
Every once in a while copy for stupid porn just writes itself. This is the case with the church of the holy penis. Check out their prayers and their 'code': THE CHURCH OF THE HOLY PENIS
P.L.U.M.©
(Penis Lovers Universal Movement)
THE TEN FUCKING COMMANDMENTS
Thou shall have no other gods before me, PHALLUS.
Thou shall love thy neighbor and his penis, balls and asshole as thyself and your penis, balls and asshole. AMEN! isn't that stupid? Or am I just not apart of the brethren?
06.16.08, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Spy on some Grammar
These guys that make this site need to stop setting up spy cameras to catch guys in the shower and set one up over a grammar book. The grammar here is so bad it makes me look like an english professor at Harvard! Please, for our sake, learn how to spell and how to organize a coherent sentence, stupid!
05.26.08, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Black On Write
With illiteracy being such a huge problem in this country its nice to see that the civic-minded individuals over at WifeWriting.Com are stepping up to the plate and doing something about it! Black-cock-loving married white women in their 20's can now get an English lesson along with their dose of 10 inch ebony cock. Writing things like "insert cock here" can also serve as an instructional for less savvy would be fuckers new to the scene. The whole concept is ridiculous, but I love the idea of these girls taking the bus home with "Black cock only!" written on their foreheads in bold permanent marker.
02.04.08, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Avatar Sex
I will say something about avatar sex and I will only say one thing. Please have real sex...and not just simulated sex with an avatar, get a life people!
01.07.08, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Phone Sex
It's a good thing its only women that are stupid enough to take phone sex to mean shoving the phone up her twat. Umm....need I say stupid or is it already implied?
12.24.07, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Gothic Who?
I could understand the facsination with elvira, she has big boobs but the fascination should end there. These sluts are playing up on Buffy the vampire slayer too much someone please slay these stupid sluts!
12.10.07, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Hairy Potter?
We know that millions were sadden by the end of the Harry Potter series last month, and while we eagerly await the porn version, 'Hairy Pewter,' we somehow think erotic stories about the Hogwart's alum is just plain stupid...lets draw the line somewhere!!
08.20.07, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Doctor, Who?
We realize English is not Everyone's first language, but the stories on this website are so stupid, it's actually funny. Our diagnosis? Forget the anal probe...these boys need their eyes checked!
07.09.07, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Seeing is Believing
Lord knows everyone needs a good jerk session every now and again, but this is just plain silly. Doubt this picture is for real, but if it is, I'm getting my eyes checked out tomorrow!!!
06.04.07, Category: Porn as a Second Language
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Bush's Weapon of Ass Destruction
Finally, a photo that truly captures how America feels about our current political system. Living under the regime of a conservative extremist president feels just like getting your pussy brutally ripped to shreds by two horse-hung black men - and we would know. If that girl's pussy could speak, it would speak the words - the pain - in the hearts of every American citizen. That girl's pussy IS AMERICA!
04.23.07, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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They Never Showed This On COPS...
This site is supposed to be videos of Police officers umm "in the excess of official powers", which I gather means these are supposed to be videos of the boys in blue fucking women in the interrogation room. Hey, if the "St. Peterburg News" says it, it MUST be true right? I'm living for the bad English, its hilarious! I guess when cops aren't eating donuts they're eating street walker pussy. Who knew?
2.05.07, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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Something Borrowed...
This is the funniest website from Eastern Europe I've seen this month. Just Married Gays features 2 boys, one dressed as the groom, then the other dressed in drag as the bride. They enact the entire matrimony ceremony , then fuck each other in costume. Yum, drag wedding consumation. But notice from all the free samples that each "bride" is wearing the same dress. I wonder how expensive it is to get that thing dry cleaned for each porn shoot. Best quote from the website:
"Christina used to be really ugly as a guy, but as soon as she became a woman-she surely turned into a damn fine whore! Michael was really lucky to marry this slut. His friends were fortunate to get a piece of her ass at the wedding, too! Here's to free love!"
8.21.06, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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Don't Tell Grandma...
I never get tired of really bad photo shoots with even worse English for the copy. As if seeing this twink go down on Grandpa isn't bad enough, then we have sayings like "Their divine buttocks will drive you crazy!" and made up words like "realiry" thrown into the mix. I hope Grandpa remembers his Elexia and Zestril.
6.05.06, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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Save The Children...
Here we have yet another website warning the general public on the dangers of internet pornography and how it affects the children. But what separates this site from all the others are their hilarious videos and cartoons that even those who created these ads must have been snickering under their breath. My fav: The naked chick eating lunch, playing basketball, and tucking this little boy into bed. Pricelessly stupid.
4.24.06, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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This Guy Has No Clue...
This guy needs an instruction manual asap because he clearly has no idea what the hell to do with that piece of plastic in his hands. Get a clue buddy! Human instinct should tell you that if it looks like a penis, STICK IT IN!
3.27.06, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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Marshmallow Pussy
Ok, I don't think I'm shocking anyone by saying that sex in Japanese culture is really fucked up. A lot. Look no further than some of the sex toys that are made in that country. And you thought only cars and televisions were made in Japan!
2.20.06, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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Pissing Outdoor
There's a lot of pissing sites out there, but the wording on this site had me rolling on the floor. Here are some of my favorites...
"If they piss - they wanna sex. Don't misunderstand!"
"Delicate pussies become wet with pee and...lust."
"Their shy delicate spurts of yellow liquid..."
1.30.06, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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Oh Say It Brother...
Are you addicted to pornography? Have you considered getting help for these sins? Are you ready to accept Jesus as your personal savior? You might want to consider some of these questions as you masturbate, so why not let pastor-hottie Craig Gross help you through these problems as he preaches on how to abstain from falling victim to sexual sin. Watch him closely, listen to his words, and think about how deep down below that flamingly-pink polo shirt is a throbbing cock just begging for some release. You might even want to whip it out and imagine spraying a juicy load right in his virgin face. So go on, pull one for Jesus!
12.26.05, Category: Porn As A Second Language
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Is Getting "Fubared" Fun?
I don't know if I can blame this one upon the former Soviet Block of porn writing enthusiasts...but then who can take credit for such a bizarre concept as a "Fag Bash" being a fun party:
What happens when a bunch of FAGS get together? They throw great PARTIES, get super FUBARed, have FUN, whip out their COCKS and have a fabulous BASH! How can any PARTY be complete without inviting this hot STUD? He's not only cute, sexy and a nice piece of ass, he's also the LIFE of any bash! At this party, this HOT boy gets down and DIRTY! He whips out his COCK for all to see and JACKS it HARD!
3.10.05, Category:Porn As A Second Language
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Talkin' Out His Ass
In this minute-long Quicktime movie, the President never looked more centered and master of his element than he does here. This isn't quite porn, but it is stupid funny. What language is he speaking.
2.25.04, Category:Porn As A Second Language
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From the Heads of East Asia
I'll admit I can't understand much that's happening on this site, but it seems the point is to help men size their penis for the proper fitting condom purchase. So, if you click on the image of the Penis Wizard, he offers a quiz that helps you choose a condom. All hail the Penis Wizard! We could use some of them hanging out near the back of the pharmacy.
2.14.05, Category:Porn As A Second Language
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My Friends In Siberia
Have you ever met anyone from Siberia? After listening to this guy, we'd have to reccommend avoiding the place and everyone from the vicinity. We discovered this video of a series of interviews with 4 guys before they gangbang a really really ugly chick. If you can stand watching the first 3 guys mumble about how big their cocks are, you'll get to meet Alex, from Russia with crazyiness. He explains he has a best friend who is a bear, and they get into lots of knife-fights in bars in Sibera. Then he shows you a huge scar on his back. Maybe someone stole his kidneys for cash?
1.24.05, Category:Porn As A Second Language
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Too Drunk To Fuck
Sometimes its hard to determine geographically where some gay porn is created, but sites like Drunken Boys just reek of that Eastern Europe brand of stupid porn. Check out how they describe themselves:
Drunkenboys.com is not one of the great many of gay sites on the web. The one and main priority we have is our boys, who do not fuck and film for money. They got that drunk during every filming that acted free and easy just if they were doing that in their real life. And no matter if they make blowjobs, get ass penetrated or swallow streams of frothy cum - they do what they really like and feel no shame about it. They don't play to the audience. Drunkenboys.com - the most natural of gay sites you can find on the web.
Um, yeah. That sounds real natural.
1.18.05, Category:Porn As A Second Language
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Lesbian Commandos!
This is the funniest porn review I've ever read, by Zack "Geist Editor" Parsons, featured on the website Something Awful. A taste:
"These women are paid to kiss each other and they still look like they are trying to lick shit off of a statue of Hitler. Instead of fantasizing about the number of zeroes on their paycheck like wholesome American porn actresses, these inscrutable Japanese heathens are incapable of concealing their disgust and shame. Essentially Japanese porn offers up the sexual equivalent of schadenfreude, encouraging you to ejaculate all over the misfortune of the actresses."
1.12.05, Category:Porn As A Second Language
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